Jharoka

On this last day of the year, my maternal Grandfather’s tradition that my Mother carried on in her children was to bid the final sunset of the year farewell, give thanks for the blessings and lessons of the year and to say a prayer for the Almighty to bless the new year with goodness for all. I have carried this beautiful tradition on with my children each year. But this year is very different as it’s weighed down in a heavy, painful grief.

Soon after 2023 started, my Mom’s soul left this world to journey into the next realm. I say this yet I don’t know what this really means. I try to understand and imagine how, where and who she is with but my little brain can’t fathom that existence. The child in me wonders if I didn’t pray with conviction at the end of last year for what this new year should bring and because of that, she’s longer here. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. And I still have a difficult time believing this new reality. Yet, the rational side of me is reminded of Surah Al-Anbiya, Verse 35: “Every soul will taste death. And We test you ‘O humanity’ with good and evil as a trial, then to Us you will ‘all’ be returned.” And so I go through these feelings that seem never-ending.

There is a constant internal battle between being faithful, knowing that death is an inevitability and the feeling of such profound loss that I don‘t know how to process, yet I submit myself to the will of the Divine.

There isn’t a day or moment that passes when I don’t think of my Mother in some large or small way – in happiness, in sadness, and in the ordinary. Dawn was her favorite time of the day so I do my best to be still, mindful and try to feel her presence in those pure, quiet and angelic moments as each day begins.

It’s about 30 minutes before the sun will set on 2023. I have a lump in my throat, a pain in my chest and fighting an ocean of tears just looking for a moment to gush. I wish I could have just one more moment, just one more hug, just one more … but that will never be.

As I continue my grief journey, I bid farewell to 2023. Bismillah to 2024 – may the Almighty shower all of humanity with afiya (health with longevity, wealth, prosperity, peace, contentment, safety and gratitude) – Ameen. Happy New Year!

If you have made it to this post / page, I would be most appreciative if you could say a prayer for my beloved mother. Thank you.