Jharoka

Before the month of June started, I’ve had a horrible pit in my stomach that has been aching with the thought of my Mom’s birthday (June 21st) – her first birthday after her passing. Similar to years past, I had this strong desire to be with her on her birthday. This time in a very different way. Sadly, the last couple of times I have been to Augusta was to bury my parents. Due to the circumstances, I have not had solo time to spend at their graves to talk with them, pray for them or just be. So, I booked a flight with the intent to spend her birthday together.

Yesterday afternoon, I wrapped up work and left home to catch an evening flight to Augusta. Feelings were ranging from unbelievable sadness and some level of excitement to be with my Mom again, or at least be the last place I left her. I didn’t know how I would I feel once there, but my soul was telling me that I needed to do this. It would be cathartic. Fate had a different plan.

I left home, anticipating traffic to the airport where there was none, breezed through security, got to my gate, boarded the flight and then the Divine began changing the itinerary. The pilot comes on to say that there’s a small maintenance issue that will take 10-15 minutes to resolve. About 20 minutes later, he informs us that the issue will take 90 minutes to fix so we will need to deplane and another aircraft will be secured. We deplane, get back to the gate area and just sit and wait. No updates from gate agents other than the periodic app and monitor notifications/updates changing the departure time in 20 minute increments. After nearly 2.5 hours, one gate agent announces that another aircraft has just landed and once the passengers deplane, we will be able to board. More than 30 minutes pass, all the passengers from that flight have deplaned but there is no movement for us to board. One of the gate agents gets on the phone with someone and says “No way! I can’t believe it”, hangs up the phone, closes the jet bridge door and walks off. In parallel the status on the monitor shows “Flight Cancelled – Proceed to Customer Service”. Within seconds, the gate agents disappear and all the passengers line up at the airline customer service desk.

It’s 9pm. I have one day off and getting to Augusta by road is 8 hours one way, by air it’s 90 mins one way direct or 6+hours one-way with a connection. There are no flight options available for me to get there and back in a day. And just like that my soul’s desire of being with my Mom on her birthday were gone. Anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration and hurt all start to flood me.

Trying to get all these emotions under control, I remembered the saying of the 11th century mystic, Imam Al-Ghazali “What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. And what is not meant for you will not reach you even it it’s between your two lips.” And then I thought of the Arabian proverb “behind every delay there is kheyr (goodness)” and tried to settle my inner id explaining that was God’s divine plan. My role as a human is to make the effort, the rest is not in my control and I must surrender … and be grateful.

Today marks the Summer solstice and is the longest day of the year. In years past, this was so exciting because the three events coinciding brought happiness in their own way – my Mom’s birthday was always a grand celebration for us, her birthday was the longest day of the year and Summer was starting which brought a joy of it’s own.

As I write this, with the heaviest of hearts, the rhythmic sound of rain falling makes me miss my Mom all the more. Anytime it would rain, she would say “may it come with God’s mercy”. From my childhood I always felt that the weather suited the mood and today is no different. As the rain pours from the sky, my heart aches and tears fall uncontrollably from my eyes.

I realize that my grief, sadness, tears, emotions related to the loss are only mine. I am crying my own loss. Kind of selfish and childish if I really think about it. After all, my Mom was not mine, she never was. She was and always belonged to God, as we all do. She was on a mission from God and she was His gift to me. It’s not lost on me that her name “Attia” means “gift” in Arabic. Alhamdulillah (Praise be to God) for her life and that I was blessed to be born from her.

Ammi ji, I miss you with the every beat of my heart. Selfishly, I wish you were here and I could celebrate you, hear your loving voice, feel your warmth through your hugs and touch, kiss you and tell you how much I love you and what you mean to me. In the absence of this, I pray that your soul is at peace, surrounded by Allah’s divine light and utmost mercy. I pray you reside in a palace more grand than anything our human minds can conceive and that you are amongst those with whom God is most pleased, those you loved and that loved you. I pray our souls are reunited together one day. I pray that I carry your name forward so it is always associated with goodness. I pray I emulate all of your virtues and good traits. I pray that as long as I live I serve as your ongoing charity and that my children and their lineage do the same. I am so blessed to have been born to you. Happy 82nd Earthly Birthday my dearest, sweetest, kindest, gentlest, simplest, most amazing & loving Ammi ji. I love you forever and ever.

If you have made it to this post / page, I would be most appreciative if you could say a prayer for my beloved mother. Thank you.