Jharoka

Ever since the passing of my sister in December of 2018, I didn’t know grief like I do today. And after the passing of my father and mother, each loss has brought about it’s own uniqueness with compounding impact. I have suffered loss of an only grandparent (Nani), of extended family, friends and seen friends lose loved ones, but nothing compares.

What I have learned so far is that my grief is unique to me (as a person) and to the relationship I had with the person gone. I cannot relate my grief to anyone else’s grief nor should I. I can empathize with another in the experience of a loss, but not their specific loss. Grief is as unique as fingerprints.

For example, I lost my sister, father and mother. My brother lost his sister, father and mother. While the relationships we lost were the same, our grief is not. We comfort one another over our shared losses and acknowledge the feelings each other has – that is all we can do. Is my loss greater than his or his loss greater than mine? No because it is not comparable and never can be.

Along my grief journey so far, I have found that many people like to compare their grief with yours. I know people are well-intentioned but it makes me wonder why this is done. I’ve still not come up with the answer to that question but it has made me hyper aware of my own response to someone who is grieving. One must be attentive, understanding, sympathetic and comforting and that’s it!

If you feel down or are questioning whether your loss is as worthy as someone else’s because of competitive grief, please stop! Remind yourself that your grief is unique to you, it’s real and your pain is not comparable to anyone else’s. Try to limit your exposure to people who have competitive grief. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling without the comparison, judgment or validation of/from anyone. Accept your grief and all that comes with it – allow it to flow through you in whatever form it manifests. And find comfort through family, friends, being alone and/or seeking help from a grief counselor.

If you have made your way to this page, I pray you find peace.